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The Data Conversation

5 min read

The Purpose of This Conversation

You've been monitoring for a few weeks. Now you have data:

  • Which apps they use most
  • How many hours per day
  • What times they're active
  • What they're watching and searching

The goal of the data conversation is not to:

  • Confront them about "bad" behavior
  • Prove you were right to monitor
  • Establish your control

The goal is to:

  • Share what you've observed
  • Get their perspective
  • Discuss what's healthy together
  • Agree on any changes

Preparing for the Conversation

Review the Data

Before talking, spend 10 minutes reviewing:

  1. Average daily screen time
  2. Top 5 apps by usage
  3. Late-night activity patterns
  4. Anything that surprised you

Choose Your Framing

Pick 1-2 observations to discuss. Not everything. Examples:

  • "Your screen time averages 5 hours daily — is that what you expected?"
  • "You're often on your phone until 1 AM — how's your sleep?"
  • "YouTube is your top app at 3 hours daily — what are you watching?"

Choose the Right Moment

  • Not when they're rushing out
  • Not when you're frustrated about something else
  • Ideally when you're both relaxed
  • Car rides work well (no eye contact makes it easier)

The Conversation Framework

Step 1: Open Without Judgment

"I've been looking at the screen time data from the past few weeks. I'm not upset — I just want to understand and talk about it."

Step 2: Share What You See

"Your average daily screen time is about 5 hours. TikTok is about 2 hours of that. You're usually on your phone until midnight or later."

Step 3: Ask, Don't Accuse

Instead of: "You're addicted to TikTok."
Try: "That's a lot of TikTok. What do you usually watch? What makes it so engaging?"

Instead of: "You need to sleep earlier."
Try: "I notice you're up late most nights. How's your sleep? How do you feel in the mornings?"

Step 4: Listen Fully

Their answers might surprise you:

  • "I watch TikTok for study hacks and motivation."
  • "I can't fall asleep, so I use my phone."
  • "It's the only time I can talk to my friends."

Don't dismiss these. They're real reasons.

Step 5: Share Your Concerns

After listening, share your perspective:

  • "I worry that 2 hours of short videos affects your attention span."
  • "Research shows screens before bed hurt sleep quality."
  • "I want you to have time for other things too."

Step 6: Find Common Ground

"What do you think would be reasonable? What could we try?"

Questions That Open Dialogue

About Time

  • "Does 5 hours feel like a lot to you?"
  • "What would you do with that time if you didn't have your phone?"
  • "Do you ever feel like you're on your phone more than you want to be?"

About Apps

  • "What do you get out of TikTok/Instagram/YouTube?"
  • "Are there apps you wish you used less?"
  • "How do you feel after scrolling for a while?"

About Sleep

  • "What time do you usually fall asleep?"
  • "Is your phone the last thing you look at?"
  • "Would you sleep better without it nearby?"

About Their Perspective

  • "Do you think I worry too much about this?"
  • "What do your friends' screen time habits look like?"
  • "What would help you balance this better?"

What NOT to Do

Don't Interrogate

"Why were you on your phone at 2 AM on Tuesday?"

They'll get defensive. Focus on patterns, not incidents.

Don't Compare

"When I was your age, we didn't have phones."

They know. It's not helpful.

Don't Shame

"You're wasting your life on that garbage."

Shame closes conversations.

Don't Catastrophize

"You'll never succeed if you keep this up."

Dramatic predictions undermine your credibility.

After the Conversation

If It Went Well

  • Thank them for being open
  • Agree on any changes together
  • Set a time to revisit (in a month?)
  • Follow through on what you agreed

If It Was Tense

  • Don't force resolution
  • "Let's both think about this and talk again in a few days"
  • Give them space
  • Come back calmer

Document What You Agreed

Even informally: "So we're trying no phone after 11 PM on school nights, and we'll see how it goes for a month."

Pro Tips

One conversation isn't enough. This should be ongoing. Monthly check-ins keep dialogue open.

Model what you want. If you're on your phone constantly, your words ring hollow.

Admit your own struggles. "I sometimes scroll more than I should too. It's designed to be addictive."

Celebrate improvements. If their screen time drops or sleep improves, acknowledge it.

Common Questions

They got defensive and shut down. Now what?

Give it a few days. Try again with a softer opener: "I didn't handle that conversation well. Can we try again?"

They say all their friends have unlimited access.

"Different families, different choices. What do YOU think is healthy for you?"

The data showed something really concerning.

If you find evidence of serious issues (self-harm searches, dangerous contacts), address it directly. That's not a negotiation — that's intervention.

What's Next: Ready to set some boundaries together? Learn how in Co-Creating Digital Boundaries.